The Door
Holding Crisis

Ottawa • Special Investigative Desk

OTTAWA — A growing crisis is gripping the nation: two Canadians arrived at the same door at the same time, and neither was willing to go first.

The incident, which occurred Tuesday at approximately 11:45 a.m. at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Bank Street, is believed to be the longest simultaneous door-holding event in the Ottawa region this quarter. Witnesses report the standoff lasted four minutes and twelve seconds before a third Canadian arrived from the east entrance and held open a second door, allowing both parties to exit through different doorways.

“They just kept saying ‘after you,’” said Margaret Chen, 34, who witnessed the event from the pharmacy line. “Back and forth. ‘After you.’ ‘No, after you.’ ‘Please, I insist.’ It was like watching two people try to lose a game that nobody was playing.”

Neither party has been identified. Both apologized to each other, to Margaret, and to a display rack of seasonal greeting cards that was not involved in the incident.

By the Numbers

Door-holding incidents are up 23% year over year, according to data compiled by the Canadian Bureau of Social Courtesies (CBSC). The average Canadian holds a door for someone 4.7 times per day. In major urban centers, this figure rises to 6.1. In small towns, it is theoretically infinite, as residents often hold doors preemptively for people who have not yet arrived.

Perhaps most alarmingly, 31% of door-holding events involve someone who is too far away to make the gesture comfortable for either party. The door holder commits. The approaching person sees the commitment. And then begins what researchers have classified as the single most Canadian physical act: the awkward half-jog.

When a Canadian holds a door and you are still 40 feet away, you are legally obligated to do the awkward half-jog. This is not a guideline. This is social law.

It’s not quite running. Running would imply urgency, which would imply the door holder had caused an inconvenience, which would require an apology, which would start a whole new cycle. It’s a shuffle. A light trot. A physical manifestation of the sentence “I acknowledge your kindness and am attempting to respect your time while maintaining the illusion that this distance was totally reasonable.”

Government Response

The Ministry of Doorway Affairs — which exists in the way that all Canadian government bodies exist, which is to say, quietly and with a surprisingly reasonable budget — has issued formal guidance recommending a maximum holding distance of 15 feet, or roughly 4.5 metres for a nation that uses the metric system like adults.

Canadians have ignored this completely.

“We published the guidelines in both official languages,” said a Ministry spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were “a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, honestly.” “People read them. People nodded. People continued to hold doors for individuals who were, in some cases, still in the parking lot.”

A proposed amendment to include door-holding etiquette in the national school curriculum was tabled after educators noted that Canadian children already hold doors instinctively by age four and that formalizing the behavior might actually make it less sincere. The amendment was withdrawn. Everyone apologized.

Outlook

As of press time, the crisis shows no signs of abating. A similar standoff was reported Wednesday at a Canadian Tire in Winnipeg, Thursday at a library in Halifax, and continuously, at all times, everywhere in the country.

The crisis continues. No one has been hurt. Everyone has been slightly inconvenienced. And that, somehow, is the most Canadian outcome possible.

This is an ongoing investigation. If you have witnessed a door-holding incident
lasting longer than 90 seconds, please do not report it. Just hold the door.